Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
