My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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