I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm both gender and math confused
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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