we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
