never play flip cup with pint glasses
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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