You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
