I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
