There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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