I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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