I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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