Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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