Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
