finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
