i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
