I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
