So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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