Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
