She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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