Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
