Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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