I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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