so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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