every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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