if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
