The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
