Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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