Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
