So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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