I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
