So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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