Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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