i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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