I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You made out with two different species that night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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