Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
