I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
