Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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