The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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