i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's blow job season.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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