just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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