I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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