I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
