the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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