sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He kissed a someone with a penis
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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