god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
