You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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