So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
not ubering you a puppy
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
