i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
