woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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