I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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