I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
