He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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