This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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