i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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