Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
