At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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