Please, let me fuck your mom
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
