So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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